Thursday, 10 September 2009

• The day my sister left was the first fall like day of the year it seems. Summer went by too quickly, with too few lazy summer days. Still, I am mostly glad my sister left even if she took the warm weather with her.

  Truth is, she wore me out. Everything with her was like pushing a boulder up a hill. She has this way of making the most trivial of things hugely important while putting herself on center stage. Something as menial and mindless as doing the dishes became something to put the spotlight on. Of course, her way was the way to do complete the task correctly.

  Overcomplicated and overinvoled, except with the things that truly matter. I for one am the type who can let go. Didn't brew the perfect pot of coffee? Oh well. One last dish in the sink? Its okay to let it sit. Didn't get the vacuuming done before dinner? I'll live. Crumb on the floor? That's nice. There are larger things that need attention, like my child. Need to use a piece of paper towel? I'm not going to deliberate for 30 minutes over it.

  That's her M.O. Focusing on things that, at the end of the day, don't matter too much, in order to avoid the things that do matter. How about focusing on emotional healing? How about focusing on where you are and how to get where you want to be? How about figuring where, when and how you are going to take your next step? How about figuring out where your limits are and how to work with them?

  I was really hoping that my sister would leave here a little better off than she had arrived. The truth is that didn't happen. It wasn't for lack of effort at all. I laid it all out on the line for her, which resulted in her not speaking to me for almost 2 days. Then she made snarky comments under her breath the rest of her stay.

  The bright note is that she apparently took to heart my schpeel about my kid being 8, not 4 and if she wanted him to like her, she'd have to treat him like the boy he is, not the boy he was. He's come a long way, as expected for any kid, in 4 years. Its called growth and its simply what kids do. She did her best to reconnect with him on his level.

  The thing is is that I get her situation because I've lived it, just maybe not the length or to the extreme that she did, but I still had to do the letting go, losing everything and building it all back up. That's the general process and currently, she still hasn't let go.

  In a perfect world, people like her ex would play fair, give her what she's earned after 20 years, but sadly, this is not a perfect world. One has to cut their losses, even if they are severe in order to regroup mentally, emotionally and physically. Otherwise, one gets stuck in "dire straights" as my husband would say. If I learned anything in my life, its not to give with the expectation you'll recieve something in return.

  Give because it makes you feel good, its what you want to do, because it may the right thing at the time, but don't give for the sake of recieving. That's why contracts were invented; People will take what you give, sure, but they don't necessarily feel they owe you like you feel they should.

  My sister sits on the hope the her ex will give her what she owes and when she recieves what she's due, it will be the answer to all her problems. Her ex has given to her, certainly not her due, but enough to keep her locked into the cycle. Unless her ex all the sudden finds Jesus or something like that, it just isn't going happen. It's been two years already and nothing has changed. She's still stuck, still banking on getting her worth from her ex, who historically never delivered anything close to that in 20 years. He won't even give her her stuff...

  So yeah, two years and no change. I don't know how many times I've said that I would "x" him out completely of her life, not depend on him to do anything, not talk to him, not deal with him, cut losses and move on. I said it many, many times over the past month, but I was pretty much ignored. So what more can I do? Nothing.

  She's gone off to live with her son and his girlfriend in their very first home as adults, but I don't expect it to last long.

   

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