DN is what I would call a serial dater, maybe that's the wrong term; She finds herself in love frequently. When she first moved here, she was with the "best guy in the whole world", her greatest love of all time. The kid lived a mere 300 miles away in Boston.

She spent hours on the phone with Boston Kid talking and texting. Finally, Boston Kid's flew in DN for a visit, or what my husband called the worlds most expensive booty call. Boston Kid wined and dined my niece. I strongly advised she not put out because its not DN's strong suit and as my husband pointed out, Boston Kid being young was probably only interested in an expensive booty call.  

Shortly after DN's return home, Boston Kid dumped her in a long and dragged out way. DN made all sorts of girl excuses for the boy, still, as to hide the fact that Boston Kid did the ol' "nail and bail" on her. DN forgets that she lives with a therapist, so making statements like "oh, he just has issues and needs time" doesn't hide a thing and actually brings to light her denial or inability to understand relationships.

As is DN's thing, a poem about great love being stayed and roses was written and shared to demonstrate her noble and loving spirit in a Jane Austen kinda way. (Except JA understood the problems with relationships in a way DN does not.) Like a supportive aunt, I listened, pointing out that it was kinda icky thinking about my little neice kissing, but was glad she found a way to express herself while cringing on the inside. I do try to be nice.

A week or so later, a cute construction guy was in our yard digging a hole. DN wasted no time in making herself visible in clothes that were practically painted onto her body. My comment to my husband? She rebounds quickly from losing her greatest love...

That brings us to last night. DN was on the computer when her phone rang. She answered it on the first ring and then bolted out the front door (in this house, its privacy). I stopped what I was doing and commented "It must be a boy" to my husband and sister, adding that it was the quickest I've ever seen anyone move in ages.

Of course that means when DN was off the phone, I had to ask if my guess was correct. I can't help it. I'm oddly fascinated with dsyfunctional daters and DN is the best example. I do hope that one day her light bulb will come on, but until then, its like getting to watch train wreck where the only injury is merely a bump on the head and the victims quickly hop on the next train home. And I know that train will crash, but even if I told 'em, they wouldn't listen to me.

I was correct. DN did rush off the computer for a guy. Her mom asked who it was and DN said it was one of her customers from work. And then she talked about all the other guys who "liked" her. Wait, what!!?  

Please tell me you are not dating your customers. Please, please, please. Hasn't she seen the TV shows and movies where that never ends well? She played it off with the friend thing, but jeez, we weren't born yesterday. Not a good idea. You don't poop where you eat or however that goes.

I decided it was best to refrain from making any comment. I couldn't find a nice way to express that hooking up with guys from work, in a small area such as ours, was a seriously bad idea. Especially for her because she eats up any ego stroking a guy dishes up to get her to put out. It works. And guys tend to have radar for easy girls.

I don't think its that my neice is intentionally a slut. I think its that she is just gulliable with no sense of self respect or self worth. She believes whatever a guy says because she is so desperate to be loved and adored. She is so desperate for male approval. Her value is derived solely from the meta messages she recieves from men. Its no surprise considering how warped her dad is and was as a person and a parent.

So the child gets burned often and sometimes needs to sleep with her friends and relatives boyfriends to feed her ego, which is why she doesn't associate with many girls. Without the attention of men, she is nothing. Without being the prettiest, sexiest thing in the room, she is nothing. Kinda sad.

I have the kinda relationship she desperately seeks. I pointed out to her that it took me 28 years to find the person who was right for, who gave me everything I needed and treated me like a goddess. That doesn't just happen or fall into your lap. It takes a lot of honesty, learning about who you are, what you want, what your relationship skills are and how to rock them. I had to take a long, hard look at why I was not finding the kinda man I thought I deserved and change my behavior to attract that sorta person.

And I didn't put out willy-nilly.

It worked, but what do I know? I'm just a girl who doesn't need a man to define my worth, in a stable, loving relationship. Silly DN.    

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The day my sister left was the first fall like day of the year it seems. Summer went by too quickly, with too few lazy summer days. Still, I am mostly glad my sister left even if she took the warm weather with her.

Truth is, she wore me out. Everything with her was like pushing a boulder up a hill. She has this way of making the most trivial of things hugely important while putting herself on center stage. Something as menial and mindless as doing the dishes became something to put the spotlight on. Of course, her way was the way to do complete the task correctly.

Overcomplicated and overinvoled, except with the things that truly matter. I for one am the type who can let go. Didn't brew the perfect pot of coffee? Oh well. One last dish in the sink? Its okay to let it sit. Didn't get the vacuuming done before dinner? I'll live. Crumb on the floor? That's nice. There are larger things that need attention, like my child. Need to use a piece of paper towel? I'm not going to deliberate for 30 minutes over it.

That's her M.O. Focusing on things that, at the end of the day, don't matter too much, in order to avoid the things that do matter. How about focusing on emotional healing? How about focusing on where you are and how to get where you want to be? How about figuring where, when and how you are going to take your next step? How about figuring out where your limits are and how to work with them?

I was really hoping that my sister would leave here a little better off than she had arrived. The truth is that didn't happen. It wasn't for lack of effort at all. I laid it all out on the line for her, which resulted in her not speaking to me for almost 2 days. Then she made snarky comments under her breath the rest of her stay.

The bright note is that she apparently took to heart my schpeel about my kid being 8, not 4 and if she wanted him to like her, she'd have to treat him like the boy he is, not the boy he was. He's come a long way, as expected for any kid, in 4 years. Its called growth and its simply what kids do. She did her best to reconnect with him on his level.

The thing is is that I get her situation because I've lived it, just maybe not the length or to the extreme that she did, but I still had to do the letting go, losing everything and building it all back up. That's the general process and currently, she still hasn't let go.

In a perfect world, people like her ex would play fair, give her what she's earned after 20 years, but sadly, this is not a perfect world. One has to cut their losses, even if they are severe in order to regroup mentally, emotionally and physically. Otherwise, one gets stuck in "dire straights" as my husband would say. If I learned anything in my life, its not to give with the expectation you'll recieve something in return.

Give because it makes you feel good, its what you want to do, because it may the right thing at the time, but don't give for the sake of recieving. That's why contracts were invented; People will take what you give, sure, but they don't necessarily feel they owe you like you feel they should.

My sister sits on the hope the her ex will give her what she owes and when she recieves what she's due, it will be the answer to all her problems. Her ex has given to her, certainly not her due, but enough to keep her locked into the cycle. Unless her ex all the sudden finds Jesus or something like that, it just isn't going happen. It's been two years already and nothing has changed. She's still stuck, still banking on getting her worth from her ex, who historically never delivered anything close to that in 20 years. He won't even give her her stuff...

So yeah, two years and no change. I don't know how many times I've said that I would "x" him out completely of her life, not depend on him to do anything, not talk to him, not deal with him, cut losses and move on. I said it many, many times over the past month, but I was pretty much ignored. So what more can I do? Nothing.

She's gone off to live with her son and his girlfriend in their very first home as adults, but I don't expect it to last long.