care's Momaroo

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 16:42:50 GMT

Well, its been awhile. Things have been crazy, as usual, but we are settling into some semblance of normal.

Hubby and I have found the lack of one-on-one time the hardest thing with which to cope. We were very used to spending time together almost every evening after we put the boy genius to bed. We were used to being say whatever we felt whenever we wanted to at any given point of the day. Now, we can't. We have to steal those moments when we can.

We make it a point to do things just the three of us on a regular basis, though regular has turned out to be monthly for many reasons. We also try to do other things that include everyone. For Halloween, we did a three of us trip to the pumpkin farm, but the rest of traditions we included everyone. Thanksgiving, we'll all be at the inlaws house, which makes me incredibly nervous, but I think mom-in-law is happy for the extra people.

Now to the dish:

My niece drives me batty. I have to really make an effort to be nice, but I don't have a lot of patience. The girl just isn't too bright, coupled with her narcissism and my skin crawls when she enters the room. Right now, I'm dying from the stench of cheap perfume she left in the air. Maybe not dying, but I AM sneezing.

She is now a volunteer firefighter and EMS. She's still training. She just got a call and we live two minutes from the station and the call was two minutes away from that. Because she's so self-centered, she stopped to take her vitamins before heading out to respond. I couldn't believe it. She should have bolted out of the door (and she has in the past), but not today.

Hubby thinks that her self-centeredness is going to push her out of the profession, because if it isn't about her, she isn't interested. Its hard to make emergency about the respondents. Emergencies dictate by nature that they are about the victims. Hubby has a knack for predicting people's futures this way.

Now, she's been here 4 or 5 months now. She did get a job, but more amazingly, she's been through 5 or 6 guys. The first Boston guy, whom she was so in love with, he was her soul mate, dumped her. It only took a few days for her to recover and found a new guy, they had 2 dates (not even REAL dates) before they were officially a couple.

I told her that it was impossible to have a real relationship without knowing someone for awhile. Love isn't physically possible for at least 6 months. I told her if she wanted a real, grown up relationship, then she needed to stop acting like she was in high school, passing a note to a guy saying "will you go with me" before you've even had a date. She retorted with "yadda, yadda, yadda, we are so compatible" kinda we-just-clicked thing.

They clicked alright, but not enough for her to even call him while he was in the hospital. And she went all "old lady" on him. You can't mother men, but she tries. Its a little creepy to hear her talk in that "motherly" way about the guys she dates.

The new guy "hit and quit it" as hubby would say. Then she found someone else. And someone else, so on and so forth. And she's managed to find every redneck in the area. This latest one is a cook, second one she's dated. She said she had a knack for finding them. I wanted to tell her that "cook" is pretty much a job for those who don't have the drive to be a "chef" or want to spend their lives funding their partying habits. This cook wants to be a state cop, but wants and actions aren't the same thing.

Stop Bringing Stuff Home

Sat, 10 Oct 2009 14:19:11 GMT

I knew adding to our house would make this more than cozy, but what I didn't count on was all the stuff that would continually be brought into my home. Everyday, more pops up. Stuff, stuff and more stuff.

I am discerning when it comes to stuff. I'd rather have just a few very nice things than a lot of crap. I understand that this makes my house seem a little bare, apart from the treasures I already have. One person's bare is another's minimalist, anyway. I don't mind minimalism; I embrace it, actually.

Less stuff, less to clean up, less to dust, and more anticipation each Christmas when my mother-in-law hands me that one impractical treasure neatly tied up with a bow fit for a princess. My mother-in-law's taste is impeccable and very much in sync with my own. There's always a gem among the oranges, toothbrushes, socks and deodorant. A gift whose value will appreciate over the years, become an heirloom and be able to passed onto one of our 3 collective children.

My mother has found a niche in great the stuff she sends me on holidays and birthdays. She's figured out that her daughter is a stuff snob of her creating. I have a good bit of artwork waiting to framed thanks to her and my jewelry over-floweth with interesting and precious baubles.

But alas, my perfect plan of aquiring quality stuff has met resistance. You see, my sis and my DN don't have the patience I do. They want stuff now and they'll settle for anything.

Like the knife set my husband pulled out of storage. It's a cheap knife set, your first apartment kind where you're flat broke and its all you can afford? My sis said "Hey, we can use these knives!"

N-O! No. I've spent 33 years with crap knives, until my mother-in-law introduced me to the real deal. When I open my untensil drawer, angels sing, and a halo of golden light pours off this knife and out through the darkness, into my kitchen almost blinding me. My mother-in-law and I discussed how great the knife she got me for my birthday is and she figured out exactly what to get me for the next 13 gift-giving occassions, which made us both thrilled. Until then, I'm more than happy using what I have.

Please don't put more stuff into my untensil drawer.

DN keeps bringing home gifts from the Family Dollar. Now, I'm not oppossed to shopping there as you can score some real bargains. (I personally love my Mean Green All Purpose Cleaner) Yet, I need another trinket or votive holder like I need another hole in my head. The most recent gift was a whore red, well, gift set with candle holder, candle and catch-all. The thought was sweet, so I thanked her and then quickly put the box in my room, where it remains still.

Why did I put in my room? Because if I hadn't, she'd set it up next to my sculpture in the round. My husband's old bachelor pad stuff that he recently retrieved from his parents house keeps making it up there. My husband knows better, but DN does not. I don't want those novelty tiki cups next to the gorgeous portraits of our kids. I've worked long and hard to not make my home look like frat house. Tastefully combining his and hers prized possesions is a challenge. Let's leave out the tikis, please? Not to mention it makes things look cluttered. I HATE clutter.

Please stop "decorating" my house with crap, okay?

I don't want to be rude, but I have an eye for quality. Its a curse, really. I don't settle; I was raised with the philosophy that you shouldn't settle. It took every fiber of my being to keep myself from saying thanks but no thanks. Do you see anything whore red in my house? Do you see anything that would be sold at the dollar store here? (besides our swear jar, but that doesn't look like dollar store stuff). Can you see how cheaply made this is? Look at the hot glue bubble there!

I was also raised to be polite. I'm sure I'll open up that box, pull out the items, display them for a short time and pack 'em back up. I appreciate gifts given by kids, but at 19, you're pretty much not a kid anymore. Of course, this is the same girl who believes that the ring some kid bought her at 16 is really an emerald and white gold ring. Its very obviously not. Its maybe silver (plated most likely) and cubic zarconia (maybe a semi precious stone like topaz).

I know because I've laid eyes many on real and lab created emeralds, owning a couple myself, and when you are dealing in precious gems, you generally see them in high quality settings. Jewelry is a hobby of mine. I can spot a fake a mile away. The dead give away is the setting's craftmanship. Not to mention, I've seen the same ring a 100 times before and its worth about 5.00 maybe... Some guy gave her a line and she bought it because she doesn't know quality, but she likes stuff, any stuff.

The other thing that DN brings home on a regular basis is pamphelets. I have every peice of literature for Delaware known to man around my living room and kitchen. Every business card. Every flyer. Every advertisement for anything. Its all strewn about my house. Just when I think there could not possibly be anymore, another twenty pop up. Just because its free, doesn't mean you have to bring it home.

And just a few minutes ago, DN gave my son a key chain. Tell me what an 8 year old boy has keys for? I'm hope its a key for a safe deposit box filled with diamonds and tea bills. Why did she bring it home? Because it was... FREE.

Free doesn't mean you HAVE to take it. You can simply say "no thank you".

So, now I have to figure out how to unclutter my house and how to approach the stuff issue with tact. Please stop bringing stuff home for us. We appreciate the thought, but we already have stuff. If you'd like stuff for your room, yourself or what have you, that's fine. I don't need stuff, my boy doesn't need stuff and my husband doesn't need stuff. We also don't need kitchen stuff. The apple corer was cool, but chances are, we aren't missing anything else besides a pizza cutter. I certainly don't need ANOTHER set of used measuring cups. (I have 4 or 5 now thanks to my stuff collectors) I don't like plastic cups. We don't need another pitcher or candle holder. I don't want another throw pillow.

Want to get something? How about a light bulb (figuratively and literally)? How about dishwashing detergent? Want to be nice? Clean something from start to finish, without leaving stuff out. Or even better, put all your stuff away. Offer to cook a meal.

Anything but buying more stuff for us. Pretty please?

Watching Another Door Open

Sat, 03 Oct 2009 15:07:53 GMT

So, I wanted to quit my job by Halloween, but I just didn't know how we'd make up the lost income. This whole impasse with DM at work really got my hubby's wheels spinning and got him to act on something he's talked about ever since we met. If I look back, I can see how things have manifested themselves to get us to this positive point.

I sell things on Ebay on a regular basis. I do this whenver my closets are bursting, causing me to trim down on junk we accumulate over time. Every year before the holidays, I sell old stuff to make room and money for new. I weed out toys and clothes, old things we never use, games we don't play and stuff that generally takes up space. I really hate stuff. I'm a minimalist.

So, we are launching our own business. I've always flirted with the idea of selling year round and the hubby has finally agreed. I've already purchased somethings to resell, stuff I know, fertility stuff. I have the knowledge and the resources. We also have a garage full of crap we don't need and tons of clothes none of us fit anymore.

I told the EXA yesterday (second in command) that I hate to be so stubborn, but I refuse to pay another doctor out of pocket for a note that basically says the same thing as the first, but in different words. It didn't make sense to spend almost all of what I make at my $8.00 an hour job to satisfy DM. I told her if anything this has caused me to expidite plans I've already had. She said, "well, you gotta do what you gotta do- that I understand". She asked that I call DM on Monday and I agreed.

I'll work with the Employee Relations person and if it gets resolved, great. I'll work out my shifts on the schedule, but put in my notice. If not, then I'll just move on. (and maybe as a customer, complain as much as I can about DM cause I'm mean like that)

Mostly, I'm excited to have earning potential again, instead of dead-endedness. I can do what I love doing how I want to do it and my husband is 100% on board, ready to take the risks, ready to take it as far as it can go. And if you are going to start selling things, this is the time of year to do it. Holiday bargains rock!

We are on our way to setting up a corporation with a line of business credit. Thankfully, we also have a jumping off point as well. Its all coming together!

Seriously, I'm not an idiot

Wed, 30 Sep 2009 20:07:39 GMT

C. Disability-Related Inquiries and Medical Examinations Relating to Leave ⁽⁶⁴⁾

15. May an employer request an employee to provide a doctor's note or other explanation to substantiate his/her use of sick leave?

Yes. An employer is entitled to know why an employee is requesting sick leave. An employer, therefore, may ask an employee to justify his/her use of sick leave by providing a doctor's note or other explanation, as long as it has a policy or practice of requiring all employees, with and without disabilities, to do so.

16. May an employer require periodic updates when an employee is on extended leave because of a medical condition?

Yes. If the employee's request for leave did not specify an exact or fairly specific return date (e.g., October 4 or around the second week of November) or if the employee needs continued leave beyond what was originally granted, the employer may require the employee to provide periodic updates on his/her condition and possible date of return.⁽⁶⁵⁾ However, where the employer has granted a fixed period of extended leave and the employee has not requested additional leave, the employer cannot require the employee to provide periodic updates. Employers, of course, may call employees on extended leave to check on their progress or to express concern for their health.

17. May an employer make disability-related inquiries or require a medical examination when an employee who has been on leave for a medical condition seeks to return to work?

Yes. If an employer has a reasonable belief that an employee's present ability to perform essential job functions will be impaired by a medical condition or that s/he will pose a direct threat due to a medical condition, the employer may make disability-related inquiries or require the employee to submit to a medical examination. Any inquiries or examination, however, must be limited in scope to what is needed to make an assessment of the employee's ability to work. Usually, inquiries or examinations related to the specific medical condition for which the employee took leave will be all that is warranted. The employer may not use the employee's leave as a justification for making far-ranging disability-related inquiries or requiring an unrelated medical examination.

Example A: A data entry clerk broke her leg while skiing and was out of work for four weeks, after which time she returned to work on crutches. In this case, the employer does not have a reasonable belief, based on objective evidence, either that the clerk's ability to perform her essential job functions will be impaired by a medical condition or that she will pose a direct threat due to a medical condition. The employer, therefore, may not make any disability-related inquiries or require a medical examination but generally may ask the clerk how she is doing and express concern about her injury.

Example B: As the result of problems he was having with his medication, an employee with a known psychiatric disability threatened several of his co-workers and was disciplined. Shortly thereafter, he was hospitalized for six weeks for treatment related to the condition. Two days after his release, the employee returns to work with a note from his doctor indicating only that he is "cleared to return to work." Because the employer has a reasonable belief, based on objective evidence, that the employee will pose a direct threat due to a medical condition, it may ask the employee for additional documentation regarding his medication(s) or treatment or request that he submit to a medical examination.

64. The questions and answers in this section address situations in which an employee has used sick, annual, or some other kind of leave because of a medical condition, but has not taken leave under the Family and Medical Leave Act (FMLA). 29 U.S.C. §2601(1994). Where an employee has been on leave under the FMLA, the employer must comply with the requirements of that statute. For example, the FMLA generally does not authorize an employer to make its own determination of whether an employee is fit to return to work but, rather, states that the employer must rely on the evaluation done by the employee's own health care provider. Id. at §2613(b).

See Reasonable Accommodation Under the ADA, supra note 6, at 57, 8 FEP at 405:7632.

Dear Douchebag Manager

Tue, 29 Sep 2009 21:05:10 GMT

Dear DM,

You're right: I don't like you. I came in with an open mind the first day we worked together, but your creepy handshake- you know, the kind that makes a girl feel like she's being felt up?- and the "your in Kindergarten again" tone you took with me put me off. I couldn't help but wonder what pool of incompetence you came from that made you the best candidate for store manager?

Still, I'm a professional, so whilst I poked around my coworkers for their impressions of you, I still acted like a professional. Though my first instinct was to run from the store screaming obscenities, I hung in there hoping that a bad first impression was just that: a bad FIRST impression.

Over the weeks of working with you, you continued to treat me like it was my first day. You didn't single me out, because you did this to everyone. You gave me tasks outside my department, which got me in trouble because I wasn't in my department to actually do my job. Even though you made my skin crawl, I politely (most of the time) did everything you asked.

Am I a perfect employee? No. I'm no Jesus. But I have a performance review, employee sales report card and several awards to let you know that I'm a damn good employee. I rock. I know it and it can be proven. Yeah, I can be spitfire when I don't get my way and I can throw out an attitude when I think you are acting a douche, but I do whatever I'm asked...and I do it well.

Also, even if you don't like me, you really only have to see me a few hours a week. That's what has kept me going. I'll keep to myself, too, out of your way, doing my job. I hope we will be able to come to an understanding here:

So, you know, I'm going to need you to go ahead and stop being a douchebag.

Here's the thing:

Yeah, I got sick. Really sick. I, being the good employee that I am, called you the day before I was scheduled to say "Gee, Mr. Douchebag, my husband was exposed to H1N1 and we are both sick. Chances are I have what he has. I wanted to make you aware because starting an epidemic in the store doesn't seem very nice."

I figured your response would be to immediately alert whomever you needed to alert and as a precaution disinfect the store. You didn't do that. When I called the day of my shift to say "oh no, I'm dying", the assistant manager had no idea what was going on.

Then when I spoke to you again before my next shift, you were very concerned about me not being there, not me being on my death bed. To make sure you exercised your point that you didn't think being sick was good enough to miss putting up stock, you told me you needed a doctors note.

That's fine, despite me not having health insurance, I'll do that. I was half-dead anyway, so off to the emergency room I trotted, securing a diagnosis, prognosis, prescription and a doctor's note.

My husband brought you the doctor's note. The note said something like "no work for 3 days" probably because the doctor was busy with a cardiac patient across the hall. And for any normal supervisor, that should pretty well clear up the matter.

Let's think about this: No work for 3 days means on the 4th, you are fine to return to work. Its called an "inference". Since I had my prescriptions filled at our pharmacy, one can assume that I was prescribed antibiotics because I was that sick. Generally, the whole getting better and no longer contagious thing go hand and hand (assuming your concern is about spread of illness, even though you initially neglected to let other staff know about the possible H1N1 exposure). Funny enough, on the third day of "no work" I felt so much better.

So, I don't have health insurance and I'm not paying another couple hundred dollars for a doctors visit until I am insured and can wrangle in a doctors appointment. We, sir, are at an impasse until then. In the meantime, I'm going to discuss your douchebag-ness with your manager.

Sincerely,

Why I Wish I Had a Flu Shot

Sun, 27 Sep 2009 14:51:36 GMT

I'm going to preface this by saying that I have never had the flu before, nor have I ever had a flu shot. My husband works in health-care so I reluctantly agreed to have the whole fam-damily vaccinated.

For what its worth, the flu shot is new every year. Sceintists predict the most prevelant flu for a season and a new vaccine is created.

The idea of flu vaccines is rather nifty, provided you don't get the flu before the vaccines are offered. That was the case in our house. Currently, we are in flu hell, despite doing everything one is supposed to do to prevent the flu. My husband brought the flu home from work. H1N1 is running rampant among his young clients, and the regular old flu is its merry side-kick.

You can bet your bippy that next year, I'll be the first in line for a flu shot, family in tow.

Why a flu shot? Because I thought I was going to die. Because even though I'm 100% better than I was, I can't entirely fill my lungs with air, even after using the inhaler I was prescribed. Because I couldn't imagine my child suffering the way I have, but as I write this, he complains of an aching body and fatigue.

Its not the flu that kills, its the complications that come from the flu, like when it goes into your lungs and you can no longer inhale? Being 33 years old didn't stop me from freaking the hell out when I couldn't breath. I can only pray that my son doesn't experience that. He probably won't because he'll see the doctor way before anything moves to his lungs.

That may be wishful thinking considering I had no warning: Once I had a cough, it was already there in my chest. That's the problem. When you don't have warning of how an illness is going to progress (like a tickle in the back of your throat), you don't expect to go from zero to fatal in an hour. One minute your asleep the next the your in the emergency room.

~~Of course, if you've never had the flu before, have healthy habits, wash your hands, get plenty of rest, and do everything 100%, you have nothing to worry about...~~

Oh wait. That was me.

Plague is a necessary evil I suppose.

DN's Dsyfunctional Dating

Sat, 19 Sep 2009 13:15:29 GMT

DN is what I would call a serial dater, maybe that's the wrong term; She finds herself in love frequently. When she first moved here, she was with the "best guy in the whole world", her greatest love of all time. The kid lived a mere 300 miles away in Boston.

She spent hours on the phone with Boston Kid talking and texting. Finally, Boston Kid's flew in DN for a visit, or what my husband called the worlds most expensive booty call. Boston Kid wined and dined my niece. I strongly advised she not put out because its not DN's strong suit and as my husband pointed out, Boston Kid being young was probably only interested in an expensive booty call.

Shortly after DN's return home, Boston Kid dumped her in a long and dragged out way. DN made all sorts of girl excuses for the boy, still, as to hide the fact that Boston Kid did the ol' "nail and bail" on her. DN forgets that she lives with a therapist, so making statements like "oh, he just has issues and needs time" doesn't hide a thing and actually brings to light her denial or inability to understand relationships.

As is DN's thing, a poem about great love being stayed and roses was written and shared to demonstrate her noble and loving spirit in a Jane Austen kinda way. (Except JA understood the problems with relationships in a way DN does not.) Like a supportive aunt, I listened, pointing out that it was kinda icky thinking about my little neice kissing, but was glad she found a way to express herself while cringing on the inside. I do try to be nice.

A week or so later, a cute construction guy was in our yard digging a hole. DN wasted no time in making herself visible in clothes that were practically painted onto her body. My comment to my husband? She rebounds quickly from losing her greatest love...

That brings us to last night. DN was on the computer when her phone rang. She answered it on the first ring and then bolted out the front door (in this house, its privacy). I stopped what I was doing and commented "It must be a boy" to my husband and sister, adding that it was the quickest I've ever seen anyone move in ages.

Of course that means when DN was off the phone, I had to ask if my guess was correct. I can't help it. I'm oddly fascinated with dsyfunctional daters and DN is the best example. I do hope that one day her light bulb will come on, but until then, its like getting to watch train wreck where the only injury is merely a bump on the head and the victims quickly hop on the next train home. And I know that train will crash, but even if I told 'em, they wouldn't listen to me.

I was correct. DN did rush off the computer for a guy. Her mom asked who it was and DN said it was one of her customers from work. And then she talked about all the other guys who "liked" her. Wait, what!!?

Please tell me you are not dating your customers. Please, please, please. Hasn't she seen the TV shows and movies where that never ends well? She played it off with the friend thing, but jeez, we weren't born yesterday. Not a good idea. You don't poop where you eat or however that goes.

I decided it was best to refrain from making any comment. I couldn't find a nice way to express that hooking up with guys from work, in a small area such as ours, was a seriously bad idea. Especially for her because she eats up any ego stroking a guy dishes up to get her to put out. It works. And guys tend to have radar for easy girls.

I don't think its that my neice is intentionally a slut. I think its that she is just gulliable with no sense of self respect or self worth. She believes whatever a guy says because she is so desperate to be loved and adored. She is so desperate for male approval. Her value is derived solely from the meta messages she recieves from men. Its no surprise considering how warped her dad is and was as a person and a parent.

So the child gets burned often and sometimes needs to sleep with her friends and relatives boyfriends to feed her ego, which is why she doesn't associate with many girls. Without the attention of men, she is nothing. Without being the prettiest, sexiest thing in the room, she is nothing. Kinda sad.

I have the kinda relationship she desperately seeks. I pointed out to her that it took me 28 years to find the person who was right for, who gave me everything I needed and treated me like a goddess. That doesn't just happen or fall into your lap. It takes a lot of honesty, learning about who you are, what you want, what your relationship skills are and how to rock them. I had to take a long, hard look at why I was not finding the kinda man I thought I deserved and change my behavior to attract that sorta person.

And I didn't put out willy-nilly.

It worked, but what do I know? I'm just a girl who doesn't need a man to define my worth, in a stable, loving relationship. Silly DN.

DN strikes again

Thu, 17 Sep 2009 16:42:40 GMT

My current mood is irritated. DN has been packing my kid full of sugar, which makes him go nuts. Its even worse now that we've been consuming 90% less sugar since May. Our bodies have detoxed completely from sugar, so that we can only handle it in small doses.

For me, too much sugar makes me sick. My son, who has always been sensitive to sugar, the effects are magnified now. It causes first hyper-activity and then digestive issues: Like surprise diarehea, nausea and stomach aches. Now, we do enjoy a small sugary treat regularly, but mommy choosen and administered.

Enter in DN. The girl first started bringing my kid home 16oz of sweet tea from her work. Its nice that she wants to give him a treat, but he's 8 years old. 16oz of anything is too large a serving for a kid his age. Actually, anytime DN goes anywhere, she brings him the boy a treat.

Now when a parent says "treat", you think of an individual item, say a pack of M&Ms or maybe Skittles or a lollipop. Ya know, a little something to give and then "save the rest for later" if the child hasn't gobbled it down too quickly because he's caught onto your slowness in saying "save some for later".

Well, to DN a "treat" would be 12 lollipops, a six pack of skittles or a bulk bag of candy. Then she hands said item over to kid, instead of the appropriate administer of such a treat (ME). Then the candy gets digested and the leftovers get stashed by DN into the cabinet, fully in reach of child.

I put my foot down today when I saw my son had 3 packs of Skittles for breakfast. Of course, with all this sugar coursing through his system, he and DN got into it over the hot water. DN used all of it, so the boy had none. Without the excess sugar, the boy would have been grumbly (me too), but with a gazillion servings of sugar, the kid was pissed. He said mean things to her and threw stuff at her.

DN of course did the mature thing and threw a hissy fit, because that's what soon to be 20-year-olds do. (Lord, please don't let her procreate) When an 8 year old is being a shit, be a shit back, right? WRONG. Do anything other than that.

When I found out, I did the mom thing. (Husband, you're kid is being a shit! No not really) I addressed to situation and provided consequences, which made the boy cry, but oh well. Husband did step in when the crying went on long enough, to send the kid to his room. This always settles the kid down, but naturally first the kid protested with a blood curdeling scream and some I-hate-yous while running to his sancturary.

It didn't take long for him to settle down, but long enough for my husband to announce that the kid needs to not be given sugar. (For the 40th time) Of course, it doesn't excuse the behavior and that's why he was given consequences. A little lecture about his sugar sensitivity followed before a re-adjusted kid trotted down the stairs and apologized.

So the kid went out with DN and my sister, happy as a clam, but still bouncing off the walls. When the child crashes this afternoon, he'll be done for the day pretty much.

It makes me remember that even though DN is making strides, she's still an idiot to think its a good idea to give a kid a steady stream of sugar.

On the Great Motherhood Debates

Sat, 12 Sep 2009 16:02:13 GMT

"I now suggest to all my newly preggo mom friends or those with small children to make sure they chocolate coat any sentences that contain "I'll never...." when concerning their children, because they taste so much better when you have to eat them."

I think we all have different experiences. When we couple our experience with the information we gather in our day to day lives, we decide what is good and bad for us and live accordingly. Along the way, we change our minds or build our resolve because we have more experiences and gather more information.

I guess I'm just thinking outloud here, but all to often people preach their opinion, especially on MOTHERHOOD, as gospel. Actaully, I've seen a lot of women go entirely whacky after giving birth with their I'm-a-rockstar-mom-so-what-I-say-is-absolute-truth.

I guess after being a parent for awhile now, at some point I realized I never look back and say "gee, the problem with my kid is that I had a c-section" or "If only I'd stuck with breastfeeding" or "it must have been the pitocin" or "my kid watched to much TV as a baby" or whatever hot topic is going on.

Sure, I've made mistakes along the way, but I'm not any different than any other mother in that regard. As long as you aren't abusing or neglecting a baby, do whatever you need to in your current circumstance. Being a mother is hard enough without having your very first motherhood decisions debated publicly.

If there's any lesson being a mom taught me, its to be flexible. Chuck out that parenting book/study/article everyone recites right out the window if you have to and figure something else out. Oh and to always keep some humble pie in the fridge. lol.

Not that I'm for designer birthdays or needless procedures, but as someone whose had to bury two babies and had a baby who didn't follow any baby rules, my philosophy is to get 'em in the womb, get 'em out alive, give 'em love and do the best you can with what you have. My experiences are mine and my beliefs aren't absolute truths for the rest of the world (even when I think they SHOULD be, haha).

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Thu, 10 Sep 2009 15:05:49 GMT

The day my sister left was the first fall like day of the year it seems. Summer went by too quickly, with too few lazy summer days. Still, I am mostly glad my sister left even if she took the warm weather with her.

Truth is, she wore me out. Everything with her was like pushing a boulder up a hill. She has this way of making the most trivial of things hugely important while putting herself on center stage. Something as menial and mindless as doing the dishes became something to put the spotlight on. Of course, her way was the way to do complete the task correctly.

Overcomplicated and overinvoled, except with the things that truly matter. I for one am the type who can let go. Didn't brew the perfect pot of coffee? Oh well. One last dish in the sink? Its okay to let it sit. Didn't get the vacuuming done before dinner? I'll live. Crumb on the floor? That's nice. There are larger things that need attention, like my child. Need to use a piece of paper towel? I'm not going to deliberate for 30 minutes over it.

That's her M.O. Focusing on things that, at the end of the day, don't matter too much, in order to avoid the things that do matter. How about focusing on emotional healing? How about focusing on where you are and how to get where you want to be? How about figuring where, when and how you are going to take your next step? How about figuring out where your limits are and how to work with them?

I was really hoping that my sister would leave here a little better off than she had arrived. The truth is that didn't happen. It wasn't for lack of effort at all. I laid it all out on the line for her, which resulted in her not speaking to me for almost 2 days. Then she made snarky comments under her breath the rest of her stay.

The bright note is that she apparently took to heart my schpeel about my kid being 8, not 4 and if she wanted him to like her, she'd have to treat him like the boy he is, not the boy he was. He's come a long way, as expected for any kid, in 4 years. Its called growth and its simply what kids do. She did her best to reconnect with him on his level.

The thing is is that I get her situation because I've lived it, just maybe not the length or to the extreme that she did, but I still had to do the letting go, losing everything and building it all back up. That's the general process and currently, she still hasn't let go.

In a perfect world, people like her ex would play fair, give her what she's earned after 20 years, but sadly, this is not a perfect world. One has to cut their losses, even if they are severe in order to regroup mentally, emotionally and physically. Otherwise, one gets stuck in "dire straights" as my husband would say. If I learned anything in my life, its not to give with the expectation you'll recieve something in return.

Give because it makes you feel good, its what you want to do, because it may the right thing at the time, but don't give for the sake of recieving. That's why contracts were invented; People will take what you give, sure, but they don't necessarily feel they owe you like you feel they should.

My sister sits on the hope the her ex will give her what she owes and when she recieves what she's due, it will be the answer to all her problems. Her ex has given to her, certainly not her due, but enough to keep her locked into the cycle. Unless her ex all the sudden finds Jesus or something like that, it just isn't going happen. It's been two years already and nothing has changed. She's still stuck, still banking on getting her worth from her ex, who historically never delivered anything close to that in 20 years. He won't even give her her stuff...

So yeah, two years and no change. I don't know how many times I've said that I would "x" him out completely of her life, not depend on him to do anything, not talk to him, not deal with him, cut losses and move on. I said it many, many times over the past month, but I was pretty much ignored. So what more can I do? Nothing.

She's gone off to live with her son and his girlfriend in their very first home as adults, but I don't expect it to last long.